For as long as I’ve been able to think about myself, my heart, my life, I’ve known that I’m a sinful person. I’ve never doubted the reality of my depravity. And if there ever had been any doubt, being married and having children and immersing myself in a local church has provided all the proof I, and they, need.
But lately I’ve been considering one simple and disturbing aspect of this sin: I want to be accepted by you. At least, this is what I believe in most of life’s situations. I just plain want to be in the "in" crowd. I want to look cool, be cool and accepted as good enough. Somehow I never am and will never be. Somewhere deep inside I believe it’s true and too often I live and act like it’s true. Even with family.
This is the old sin of pride, I suppose, the one we talk about so often but deal with so seldom, the one many people put at the root of all sin. And it’s amazing to me how much of my sin comes down to it. I just want to be accepted by you as good enough. I'm never good enough. Too often I’m just plain convinced of it.
If I show you my skills, my knowledge, my wisdom, my deeds, my latest toys, my coolness... You'll accept me. You invite me to join you. You'll laugh with me. I'm part of your crew. I strive to please you, to study, to fake emotional sensitivity, to fake wisdom, to buy new things, just so I can feel you thinking "wow, he's smart, cool, interesting, sensitive... I'll let him into my circle. He's good enough."
I'm a chameleon, always able to adapt. Always ready to mold myself to the clique. Family included. As long as my family, friends, or any group I want to be part of accepts me, I'll be whatever they want, do whatever they want, show whatever they want. Usually by saying and doing things like... "hey, see what I can do!" or "hey, see what I've got that I can share with you that is cool!". After all, I just want to be accepted by you as good enough. If it doesn't go well, I screwed up. I'm not good enough.
This thread, this conviction of my own inferiority, runs deep in the background of my life.
It matters. It matters because while God calls us toward Christlikeness, I prefer to seek approval from others. To be other-likeness. God calls us to hold all things up to the light of his Word, while I prefer to hold all things up to the light of how others view or judge me. Ultimately, I long for conformity to others rather than to Christ. To seek acceptance by the people around me, the society and not God. Or worse! I am never good enough for Him.
If you are like me and honest enough about it, this makes us useless counselors. We are useless counselors unless we can counsel from Scripture and toward holiness rather than a ruse to be accepted as wise and part of the cool local Christian church, the IN crowd of the month. This makes us miserable because we are always convinced life would be easier and better if only others hang out with us and accept us. This lessens our usefulness to God and his kingdom because we spend so much of our time lamenting how others think of us and what we should do, say, or nor do or not say. This increases our sin and hinders our holiness.
I’m kind of a jerk, I know it, and still I have the audacity to want you to hang out with me. It’s baffling. It’s gross. It’s sin. It’s pride.
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The above is an alternate context of someone else's post, my version of sinful pride using his format written (Original post from here: http://www.challies.com/articles/im-better-than-you). It's amazing that while the writer so powerfully wrote about his root sin, I at the same time was thinking about the same sin, but realised its fueled by an opposing force. So instead of trying to string my thoughts into words, I adapted his because it is much more powerful that anything I can write. I'll be up until I receive a complain that I copied too much. In which case I'll rewrite my version...
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